Kristen Stewart has been caught wearing hair extensions, and not for a movie role. Will we ever be able to believe in anything, ever again? (Hollywood Life)
Barack Obama honors Paul McCartney for his many accomplishments, such as managing to tolerate Heather Mills as long as he did. (PopEater)
Gavin Rossdale and Gwen Stefani throw their son a $15,000 4th-birthday party. But hey, we bet the alcoholic clown your parents hired for you when you were a kid was awesome too. (Wonderwall)
Jennifer Love Hewitt’s mother is okay with her playing a hooker in her next movie.. Really, after the cancellation of Ghost…

The euro zone countries have pushed through a huge debt aid package to help loser countries like Greece before they slip completely into anarchy. I’m not even going to pretend to understand most of this…the only part I really have a grasp of is, the Germans didn’t want to sign off, then Barack Obama called up Chancellor Angela Merkel and suddenly the Krauts were on-board. What the hell did he say to her anyway? Did he offer her an autographed nude picture of Maksim Chmerkovskiy? Did he invite her to a little weekend get-together including water sports, Jew-teasing and oral copulation? Did he promise to make Nick Sarkozy burn those pictures he has of the two of them and Silvio Berlusconi in a three-way dressed as Zulus? And I thought America had no power in the world anymore. Clearly it still does, if Obama can just call the Chancellor of Germany on the phone and make her do pretty much whatever he wants.

Joe Biden may have been drunk during the health care bill signing ceremony, or maybe it’s just senility setting in.  Whatever the case, Joe forgot himself during his introduction of Barack Obama, and turned to Obama to say, “This is a big fucking deal”…with an open mic a couple feet away.  Cue the assholes pretending to be offended.

The Texas Board of Education has decreed that the contributions of Thomas Jefferson shall no longer be included in their state’s social studies curriculum.  It has also stricken all references to the United States as a “democracy” and says the nation shall henceforth be referred to as a “constitutional republic.”  And, say the enlightened individuals on the board, from now on, when the Constitution is taught to Texas’s schoolchildren, teachers should de-emphasize all that flapdoodle about not promoting one religion over another, helping to foster the belief that Christianity is the official religion of the United States. 

Folks around the country and world may be asking themselves why it matters so much what the asshats on the Texas BOE decide to teach and not teach.  Well, that’s simple:  Texas is a huge textbook market.  And if you’re a publisher hoping to make the millions that come with being chosen as the official textbook provider of Texas, you pretty much have to include what the Texas BOE wants you to include.  That wouldn’t matter so much if said textbooks were only being sold in Texas, but unfortunately, publishers use the same specs for all their textbooks nationwide – meaning that, when the publishers bend to the whims of the board of Texas, for the sake of cash, that same stuff gets into all the textbooks sold to all the schools in all the states.  Unless textbook publishers grow a pair in the near future, all the kids in the US will be learning the bullshit the right-wing-dominant Texas BOE has laid down.

A great argument for home-schooling.  And a great argument for letting Texas secede.

Also, a beautiful example of the utter shameless hypocrisy of the right.  What do I mean?  Well, remember awhile back when Barack Obama wanted to give a video speech to the schoolkids of America on the first day of class, and all the right-wing wackos started screaming that Obama and his left-wing politics should be kept out of our schools?  The scary word they threw around then was “indoctrination.”  Now you tell me – what is a more striking example of attempted political indoctrination:  a president giving one innocuous video speech for a few minutes out of one day or an entire political party forcing its beliefs into the textbooks kids will be reading every day of class for years to come?  But of course, it’s not indoctrination if you agree with it – then it’s “education.”

Can’t we just nuke Texas?

For those unfamiliar with military jargon, a corpsman is a medic…and the word is never pronounced “corpseman” unless you’re Barack Obama and they neglected to spell it phonetically for you on your teleprompter.  This is the kind of thing that would’ve gotten George Bush hammered, but of course, he is white, so it’s safe to suggest that his elevator might not go all the way to the top.

The right has a new hero, and his name is Scott Brown.  He’s a hero because he vanquished Martha Coakley to win Ted Kennedy’s old Senate seat in Massachusetts, and because he willingly sucks up to the teabaggers by saying he will shoot down health care reform.  But mostly he’s a hero because he appears telegenic and articulate enough to actually have a shot at taking down Barack Obama in 2012.  Of course he’s an empty suit (like Obama), but at least he’s not a blubbering moron like Sarah Palin who is only considered a legitimate presidential candidate by people who live with their heads completely shoved up their asses.  The right doesn’t want Mitt Romney or Mike Huckabee either.  Those guys feel too fringey; Scott Brown feels like The Real America.  And he has a cute daughter who can go around jiggling her cans on his behalf. As the speech demonstrates, he is more than willing to pimp her out if it will help him counteract the Palin sex appeal factor.

Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi was left bloodied after being attacked by a lunatic at a political rally in Milan.  The assailant, Massimo Tartaglia, is said to be a man with no criminal record or known political affiliations, leaving his motives open to speculation.  Reports say Tartaglia hit Berlusconi point blank with a metallic replica of Milan’s Duomo Cathedral, busting his nose and breaking his teeth.  And you thought security around Barack Obama was bad.  Honestly, given what a polarizing figure Berlusconi is, and how crazy Italians are to begin with, it’s a miracle this guy hasn’t gone down in a hail of bullets yet.  My advice to Sil: Call Pope Wienerschnitzel and see if he can hook you up with one of those cars with the big bulletproof bubble.  I know you like that whole man-of-the-people vibe, but, these are nutty times we live in.  Can’t be too careful.

Oh, the perils and pitfalls of planning a magazine months in advance.
Behold the new cover of the January 2010 Golf Digest, which depicts links legend Tiger Woods—who’s currently in the news because of his apparently unquenchable thirst for sleeping around on his hot Swedish model wife—hovering saucily over President Barack Obama in an obviously Photoshopped but thoroughly hilarious composite photo.
Gotta love the accompanying coverline: “10 Tips Obama Can Take From Tiger.” Especially since it looks like the nation’s Chief Executive is preparing to take a big, juicy, swollen tip from Woods right there on the spot. We knew that Tiger…