Iranian Punch
Iranian supreme leader Ayatollah Ofrocknrolla has reiterated President Mahmood Ahmadinejad’s promise to unleash some kind of badness on the Western powers on February 11th, the anniversary of the Islamic revolution. “The Iranian nation, with its unity and God’s grace, will punch the arrogance [of the West powers] on the 22nd of Bahman [February 11] in a way that will leave them stunned,” boasted the Ayatollah during a gathering of air force personnel. In keeping with goathumper tradition, the Iranians are being incredibly coy about what exactly this “punch” will entail, leaving us poor arrogant Westerners to speculate and worry and start stocking up on duct tape. To help with possible preparations for Armageddon, here are Crabbie’s 10 best guesses as to what this “stunning” act might turn out to be:
10. Literally, punch. Made out of cheap fruit juice, not even Hawaiian Punch, and “gin” that is actually water flavored with pine needles.
9. The Iranians will shoot one rocket 80 feet into the sky, then doctor the footage to make it look like they fired 100 missiles into orbit.
8. They will finally produce proof that we built an earthquake machine and used it on them a couple of years ago. And then used it again on Haiti so we could undertake our military takeover (Haiti being such a desirable target for a takeover). And where did the proof come from? The French, of course.
7. Ahmadinejad posts pictures of his slumber party at Hugo Chavez’s house on Facebook. What could be more stunning than the sight of Mahmood, Hugo, Sean Penn and Oliver Stone in their pajamas playing spin-the-bottle?
6. Iran announces that it’s officially changing its name to The Fucked-Up Islamic Republic Where We Kill Our Own People in the Streets to Shut Them Up and All the Men Are Terrified of Vaginas.
5. Before a shocked international audience, the Ayatollah reveals that American Idol is rigged.
4. George Bush appears on-stage, alongside Ahmadinejad, and admits that the whole Axis of Evil thing was misguided and kind of silly. They then bear-hug each other and scurry off to score some blow.
3. They nuke Uganda, just for the fuck of it.
2. Two words: Goat orgy.
1. The Iranians test a nuclear warhead out in the desert, and broadcast images of the mushroom cloud on satellite TV. Barack Obama responds by sternly warning them not to do it again, or he will wag one of his freaky-long fingers at them. Sarah Palin immediately jumps on Obama, accusing him of being soft on evil laundry-headed guys. To get his plummeting approval ratings back up, Obama boots Joe Biden from the VP spot and replaces him with The Situation. Then Obama is assassinated by a crazed Glenn Beck supporter, making The Situation president. The rest of the world laughs so hysterically, it pisses off some aliens who vaporize us cause they can no longer stand the racket. Such a dastardly plan, Iranians. You really are evil fuckers.
